Brokeback X Buster Poindexter = HOT HOT HOT!
A few of years ago somewhere in the early part of the last decade, my friend and I moved into an apartment smack in the middle of Hollywood. Out of respect for this roommate, I will not disclose his real name or identity just in case he decides to “run for office someday”. So we will just refer to him as J. Mora. Wait a second that might be too obvious. How about Jon M? Forget it. I’ll just call him J-Mo. J-Mo just moved down here from Northern California and I was coming back to L.A. after taking a 1-year hiatus due to an unsuspected and devastating breakup. Although we were both in our early twenties, (energized, excited, curious, bi-curious?) we were both looking for a new start. There before us was a small problem. We lived in Hollywood. The CAHUENGA part of Hollywood.
J-Mo and I felt like outcasts living amidst the epicenter of the Hollywood SHINY shirt club scene. But you see, we didn’t choose to live in Hollywood. Hollywood chose us.
Fortunately for J-Mo and I, we were offered an incredible deal through a friend who had an extra room in her apartment. One room only for the pair of us. For the price of that one room, J-Mo and I were allowed one twin mattress each to be laid out on the floor of this pseudo crack den. Plus we had our own bathroom. Luckily this living situation would BLOSSOM into something amazing.
Every weekend, the “shiny-shirt” people came into town looking so glistened and ready for a fun night. J-Mo and I made the wise decision not to go out on the weekends. Living in close proximity to everything made going out on weeknights more enjoyable. The bars and clubs were less congested and easier to deal with. We didn’t have to pay for overpriced drinks and the music tends to be better. So this here is just the preface of the story I’m about to tell.
On one particular Wednesday night, J-Mo had the itch to go out and chase chicksl. I knew coming home from a long 12-hour day at work that I definitely did not want to go out. Sleeping sounded much more appealing. But J-Mo insisted that we go out despite nothing very special going on. I was just as adamant about staying home. Then came the name-calling and the “pussy bleeding” remarks. I’m not one to take crap from anybody so I thought to myself, “If he really wants to go out, I’ll definitely make it worth his while. But I’ll make it worth my while even more. Nobody tells me that my pussy is bleeding! Especially J-Mo!!!”
So I acquiesce and decide to make the best of it. We decide to go to a new local club down the street that gets pretty poppin. Plus there were always hot chicks that frequent the place. But that wasn’t what I was after. My sole purpose of wing-manning it with J-Mo was to get him laid.
Right when we got in, I already knew that I wasn’t feeling it. I felt so exhausted at this point but I knew that I had to wake up. I had to make the best of it. We headed to the bar to get a couple beers. I just started pounding my drink. Jon looks at me and sees a down face. He asked me above all loud music, “What’s wrong?” I just shook my head as to say, “What the fuck are we doing here? This is so lame”.
Thankfully, I’m Asian and underweight. Due to me pounding my first beer, I was feeling a tad bit energized. So I ordered another beer. Right when I got it, I had the urge to have fun and screw with J-Mo. So I grabbed the beer and poured it all over J-Mo’s head.
• Back in the day, we used to get really wild in the clubs and bars. So much so that big groups of us would have BEER FIGHTS. That means ordering pints of cheap beer and pouring it on one another. Pouring pitchers of Pabst in one’s pants. Spitting an entire shot of Jose Cuervo in someone’s face. Most of the time, bar tenders would laugh. Many of you reading this would call it stupid. I call it a method of escaping one’s past.
Anyways, J-Mo looked so pissed. Usually we do that to each other near the end of the night when everyone is already tossed and don’t care. But I poured it on his head when we were only 15 minutes in. And a 30 minute hair style down the drain. J-Mo looked pretty miserable. He did look pretty bummed but not bummed enough.
That’s when I went on the prowl to find J-Mo some ass. Not just any woman though. A woman with a big enough personality to match J-Mo’s. I scoured the dance floor until I found the right one. Luckily my search didn’t take very long. On the dance floor, I found a nice girl dancing the two-step all by herself. She was about double J-Mo’s size with great accents in her hair. She had a plethora of color: brown, blond, pink, violet. She was amazing. So I simply walk up to her ear and say, “Hey, my friend over there wants to bone you.” She took a quick glance over in J-Mo’s direction and her eyes lit up like she had just won a game of bingo. I wasted no time in introducing them to each other. J-Mo just stared at me with a confused look on his face. I told her to just dance and that she looked cute next to him. I gave them their privacy while I stepped off to the side to have a good laugh.
Maybe 30-minutes later, I was delighted to find her still with J-Mo. Maybe he actually took a liking to her which is great. So I took the liberty to invite her over for some drinks. J-Mo’s blank stare was a look of disbelief. I knew that what I was doing was jacked up, but I couldn’t help but fulfilling my own guilty pleasure: seeing J-Mo hook up with girls that make him feel uncomfortable. And considering he had not tried even once to get out of the situation, I figured he might have liked her. So in my mind, I figured he thought that I was doing something good for him.
On the entire car ride home, J-Mo was absolutely mute. He didn’t say a word. I personally was just looking forward to getting some much needed sleep on my comfortable twin. That and getting J-Mo laid. But I wasn’t going to be a prick. I avoided any uncomfortable silences by asking the girl about her personal life. “Where do you live? Do you get good grades? Would you like to get J-Mo’s work phone number just in case?” You know, the usual.
As we drove up to our apartment building, I could only anticipate what it would be like walking up to the room. Oddly enough though, J-Mo kind of just disappeared. One second he was there, the next he just sort of dissipated in to thin air. It was very NINJA like. The girl was just as perplexed as I was. I told her not to worry though and that he was most likely upstairs taking a leak.
When we got to the apartment though, J-Mo was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t in the bedrooms or the bathroom. I was very confused. I thought this was what he wanted. So I told the girl to sit tight and hold on while I went to find J-Mo. I offered her a delicious BOONES FARM beverage. She chose the “blue” flavor.
I rushed on out of there looking everywhere. The gym, to the parking lot, to the roof. He couldn’t have gone too far. Lastly I checked the laundry room really quick but he wasn’t there either. That was until I heard a little squeak come from it as I walked away. I flipped on the light switch and there he was hiding beneath the folding area. I told him, “Dude what are you doing here? You’ve got company upstairs now go entertain her!”
After a short back and forth of smack talking, J-Mo reluctantly decided to come up. We agreed that we allow her to finish her Boones and then she must leave.
When we got back up to the room, J-Mo’s girl was lying down on the sofa finishing off what was left of the Boones Farm. I was quite surprised she finished the entire thing. She asked J-Mo if she can have something to sleep in. He replied, “No, you have to go. I have an early day tomorrow.” She looked at me for support. I told her, “Don’t worry. He will see you again tomorrow evening.” I told her that J-Mo would hang out with her for a little while until she sobered up. Luckily J-Mo was cool enough to actually do that. So I let them be in the other room while I resorted to my cozy twin floor mattress.
As I lay there, I said a little prayer…
“Dear God, thank you for making tonight a fun and memorable night. And thank you for making me a great friend. Please make J-Mo honor and cherish his new girlfriend.
Amen.
Then out of the blue I heard a weird noise coming from the living room. I abruptly got up to listen to what it was. It sounded as if someone was charging for the bedroom door. All of a sudden, my bedroom door flings open and pops me in the forehead. It was J-Mo’s girl choking and puking a trail of blue vomitace to our bathroom. I poke around the corner to see J-Mo completely passed out on the sofa. I poke my head the other way to see his girl throwing up all over the bathroom floor. I yell at her, “Into the toilet! Into the toilet!”
She only managed to get the few last drops into the bowl. The rest had puddled all over the bathroom floor. I quickly wake J-Mo up to take care of his girl. He responded, “It’s your problem. You brought her over here and you gave her the Boones”.
Sadly, he was right. I quickly scrubbed the carpets before anything could stain. I did it all while dry heaving in my mouth. It was so sick. The bathroom floor was even worse. The nasty aroma of puke and Boones was so nauseating. I got a really bad headache from cleaning her puke. J-Mo just watched me with joy and she continued to watch him. It was a miserable moments.
I finally got the entire puke trail clean and I told her that she had to go. My head was killing me and I wanted some peace and quiet. She offered me two Tylenol tablets, which I graciously accepted. I gulped them both down with water and headed straight to bed. J-Mo called her a cab and waited outside until she left.
While lying in bed, I replayed all the events back in my head. I was trying to calculate whether or not my maliciousness was worth the puke. What was really odd was that instead of completely passing out, I couldn’t get my mind off what had just happened. I was also feeling really anxious and excited about something even though there was nothing to get excited about. It was very weird. So I concentrated on sleeping because I did have an early morning.
Maybe about 30 minutes later, J-Mo walks in chuckling to himself. I pretend to be asleep but he talks anyway.
J-Mo
You awake. Dude, I know you’re awake.
I didn’t say a word. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about his girl.
J-Mo
Yo, you awake?
I replied with a simple and quiet…
Mike
What?
J-Mo
She just told me about the Tylenol she gave to you.
MIKE
Because I got a headache from cleaning your girlfriend’s puke.
J-Mo
Yeah I know. They aren’t Tylenol.
My ears perked up.
MIKE
What?
J-Mo
You took speed bro.
I roll over in my bed while my eyes suddenly widen.
MIKE
Fuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkk
J-Mo
And she wants you to pay her back.
The video below is dedicated to J-Mo and our going out theme song. We showed Hollywood that we didn’t need shiny shirts and freshly cut hairdos to fit in. We did it our way.
It was his birthday last month but I couldn’t make it because I had to do my hair. So check out the flashback video of a few years ago.
